Tonight

Tonight I hold my life
As cheaply as spare coins.
The clumsy, awkward value
Rattles against my skin
Jarring and heavy.
It seems so easy
To cast it away.

If only I could discard
My secrets in that way.
I’d search in corners and crevices
Until I’d found all the hard bits,
And then throw them out,
Until I was empty.
I have starved myself before,
But I filled with cold and dark.
As heavy as my Dad’s hands
Or my Mom’s cigarette smoke.

My parents decided my worth.
She needed a caretaker
To keep her confined world safe.
And wanted a frilly doll to cling to
Like a small child needing security.
He wanted a playmate to enjoy
And a blowup doll to use.
I long shred this thing I am
Creating a confetti of self.
Worthless scraps
Impossible to catch
As they dance in the wind.

Crammed

Crammed
Into cardboard boxes,
Dusty pieces of her life
Sat heavy in the room.
I’d edge past the boxes
The way you might
A stray dog,
That looks hungry
And dangerous.

I told myself
There’d be no answers
In the old photos
And writing
That I hadn’t wanted.
How like my Dad
To force upon me
Unwanted memories
And secrets.

Picking at her remains
I scavenged for understanding
I knew I couldn’t have.
What had happened to her?
Did she know what happened to me?

His letter to her
“What am I supposed to say…
“You wanted another baby…”
“Lose some weight…”
Those last words
All in capitols
As if it’s the most important message.

I know how to lose weight Daddy,
I have starved my body
Until I was all bones and cold.
I wanted you to cut yourself
On my jagged edges.