Lazy

Lazy
How many times have you used that word?
How many times have you thought it?
Today, instead of being productive
I used the dictionary to try to find meaning. 
The first word under synonyms for lazy, is “slothful”.
While doing nothing, I went on to check
And confirmed, it’s one of the deadly sins.
So as I sit idle on my couch, 
It’s as if I have become evil.
The dictionary also describes lazy 
As “being unwilling to work”.
Not “unable” or “uninterested”.
Oh no, clearly, if I wanted
I would get off the damn couch.

It has never been a kind word
And it has often been used as a weapon. 
It’s funny how painful and punishing
The choice of laziness can be.
Since I was wallowing in my indolence. 
I started a google search,
“How to tell the difference between lazy…”
Auto-suggestion took over.
The first word that filled in was “Depression”.
Another suggestion that caught my eye was “ADHD”
There in the list was what I was looking for
“How to tell the difference between laziness and tiredness”.
So we know, I know, that lazy can be more.
Lazy can be that learning-disabled brain
That can only compensate for so much.
Lazy can be the burnout that comes
After you’ve used all your energy 
Caring for everyone else.
Lazy can be that sense of dread
That holds you immobile.

It’s such an easy word to whip out
It doesn’t require any effort at all
In fact, it’s as if you are unwilling to do more
To lazy to understand why
Someone would sit on their couch unmoving.

Walking

I had gone for my walk.
I do some of my best thinking
While my body moves.
And my old dog,
He expects it of course.
He gives me that look,
Brown eyes focused
Intensely on me.
If you have a dog,
I’m sure you know,
The look.
Often it’s my favorite time of day,
Him and I in rhythm,
Exploring the world,
Sharing the joy
Of the moment.
But the truth is,
I hadn’t wanted to go.

I was tired.
But I walked,
And walked and walked and walked.
And walked.
When I stopped,
I heard the voices
Telling me I was lazy,
That I needed to keep going,
Try harder.
And I thought those thoughts.
Not the walking ideas
And goals for tomorrow,
But the thoughts
That twisted and dragged
Me down.

So I walked.
I smiled as I pushed forward.
And joked and took care,
Not just my mutt,
But the people around me.
I acted
Being the clown
And the nurturer.
Capable and determined.
I danced and planned
And gave and forgave.
And walked and walked.

God, was I tired.

It’s what I do though.
Walking, giving, smiling, laughing
Going and going.
Can’t be lazy.
Can’t think those thoughts,
Can’t disappoint.
After all, there is my dog.
And the look.
You know that look.
The way they look at you.
Wanting, expecting, demanding.
And judging.
How many days,
Had I thought,
“I can’t do this.”
And finally,
I stopped walking.

You would think,
It would be a relief
To rest.
I was exhausted, after all.
But when you are walking,
(Or do I mean running away?)
You have adrenaline

Coursing through
Your fatigued body.
And when that stops
There is nothing left.
Nothing.
Nothing except,
Those inescapable thoughts,
And that deep
Aching weariness,
That makes you wonder,
If you’ll ever have the strength,
To walk again.